Thank you Father for your closeness, for your overflowing blessings, for working in my heart and mind as I humble myself before you and learn from you in this difficult time. Thank you all for your continued prayers, your support, and care of our family.
I didn’t have the heart to write last week. I struggled more in the evenings last week. My heart still aches for Theresa and for what we had together. At times it washes over me and I have to let it work through me. At work I am able to function, though not up to my previous level. It is amazing to me that just knowing I have the support of a loving spouse at home gives me the confidence I need in the day. It also puts a spring in my step. Subconsciously I can take on any task or situation because I know I have my love supporting me. It is an adjustment not to have that love and support and the person I confide in. Some evenings, I think about her, other times I lay on the floor with the dogs and not motivated to do anything.
I read through A grace Disguised and found it affirming and helpful. I have been reading Jerry Sittser’s second book, “A grace Revealed” which he wrote 20 years later and talks about how God Redeems the story of our lives. Also an excellent book. Both have been helpful to work through this loss and incorporating it into who I am.
We are such habitual beings, getting used to our environment and routine fairly quickly. Loss, especially of a spouse, shakes that up. Twenty six years of routine with Theresa is going to take some time to work through, but as God redeems our stories, I know in time I will be comfortable with the direction He has for my life. My gratitude to both Theresa and God is very great. To have the love we had, the faith we have, and the blessings that were poured upon us, is more than I could ever have asked. I am humbled, prostrate before my God. He is faithful and loving. We don’t know or understand His ways, but our stories are intwined with His and we will understand when we are before Him.
A concept from “Grace Revealed” is very thought provoking: “we are new in Christ, yet still being made new, redeemed yet still needing redemption, finished yet still emerging. God has only begun to transform us, though we are already transformed; his Spirit has only gotten started, though we are complete. We have a glorious future ahead of us, and we can move into that future with confidence and security. What we are now in Christ we must yet become.” He also writes that it is not too late to become the man/woman that God designed us to be. God knows what he has for us, and it is good, and he is faithful. We have to enter in and discover what he already knew. Now that helps. That gives peace. That provides hope. Every loss, every hope, everything will be redeemed, and has been redeemed, for those who enter into that communion provided thorough Christ.
The kids are learning to adjust to the reality of where we are in our story. Matthew is still struggling a bit, but is making gains. I know he will come around in time. He is a tender soul, as Theresa was.
Thank you for your continued prayers, support and walking this path with us.