Thank you Father for your closeness, for your overflowing blessings, for working in my heart and mind as I humble myself before you and learn from you in this difficult time. Thank you all for your continued prayers, your support, and care of our family.
I didn’t have the heart to write last week. I struggled more in the evenings last week. My heart still aches for Theresa and for what we had together. At times it washes over me and I have to let it work through me. At work I am able to function, though not up to my previous level. It is amazing to me that just knowing I have the support of a loving spouse at home gives me the confidence I need in the day. It also puts a spring in my step. Subconsciously I can take on any task or situation because I know I have my love supporting me. It is an adjustment not to have that love and support and the person I confide in. Some evenings, I think about her, other times I lay on the floor with the dogs and not motivated to do anything.
I read through A grace Disguised and found it affirming and helpful. I have been reading Jerry Sittser’s second book, “A grace Revealed” which he wrote 20 years later and talks about how God Redeems the story of our lives. Also an excellent book. Both have been helpful to work through this loss and incorporating it into who I am.
We are such habitual beings, getting used to our environment and routine fairly quickly. Loss, especially of a spouse, shakes that up. Twenty six years of routine with Theresa is going to take some time to work through, but as God redeems our stories, I know in time I will be comfortable with the direction He has for my life. My gratitude to both Theresa and God is very great. To have the love we had, the faith we have, and the blessings that were poured upon us, is more than I could ever have asked. I am humbled, prostrate before my God. He is faithful and loving. We don’t know or understand His ways, but our stories are intwined with His and we will understand when we are before Him.
A concept from “Grace Revealed” is very thought provoking: “we are new in Christ, yet still being made new, redeemed yet still needing redemption, finished yet still emerging. God has only begun to transform us, though we are already transformed; his Spirit has only gotten started, though we are complete. We have a glorious future ahead of us, and we can move into that future with confidence and security. What we are now in Christ we must yet become.” He also writes that it is not too late to become the man/woman that God designed us to be. God knows what he has for us, and it is good, and he is faithful. We have to enter in and discover what he already knew. Now that helps. That gives peace. That provides hope. Every loss, every hope, everything will be redeemed, and has been redeemed, for those who enter into that communion provided thorough Christ.
The kids are learning to adjust to the reality of where we are in our story. Matthew is still struggling a bit, but is making gains. I know he will come around in time. He is a tender soul, as Theresa was.
Thank you for your continued prayers, support and walking this path with us.
Praying for Matthew, grateful you have those dogs . Your all in our hearts and prayers .
So heartfelt and “human”. God has you in the palm of His hand, and using your gift of communicating His story in a mighty way. God bless you and give you peace this week.
We continue to pray for your family. I have something to share with you. I rarely dream or if I do, I do not remember them. But last night, I had a wonderful dream about Theresa. In my dream, she was sitting next to me on the couch. In my dream, I knew that she was in heaven. I asked her how it was. She smiled but did not speak. She was happy. Then you (Dr. Paul), came and picked her up and carried her upstairs. May God give your family peace during this time.
Dr. Paul Coming to see you always makes me feel better even when I’m in pain or have done something stupid like falling on my walk and needing stitches in my lip. Your smile and joy in life makes this world a better place. Theresa gave you that joy and please know she is still watching over you and the kids. She needed to go home so she could find peace.
She will always hold your hand so you can heal and find peace,
Paul, I happened to come to your site today doing a search on a Jerry Sittser quote. Your site was in my google search. I pastor a church in Indiana. I have four kids ages 10, 16, 17, 20, and I too lost my wife, Laura, three years ago to a five year battle with breast cancer. The Lord has been faithful in so many ways. My kids have all walked and are still walking their own journey as I am. Thank you for your posts. I just wanted you to know I’m praying for you today as you continue to guide your heart and your family through this season.
I want to tell you so many things, but I could write you a book and you don’t have time for that.
You are an amazing person. A fantastic doctor and a lovely friend.
You have helped me get through so many things, a life-long addiction to alcohol and smoking, my menopause and getting used to aging, my personal family trials and my suicide attempt. You have spent so many office visits as my friend, listening to my selfish woes and selflessly listening without one judgement. You have prayed with me when I felt so empty and alone in my journey with Christ. You have done so much for so many and with true love and tenderness.
You are the perfect example of a child of our lord doing the works you were put on this earth to do. Very few are like you!
Please know that you are the very best example of what Jesus teaches us that we should be and so very few are able to achieve.
I think of you every day, like you are my own brother, and I pray for you and your family.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife, best friend, lover and confidant. I’m so sorry for the loss of your children’s mother, nurturer and teacher. I’m so very sorry.
I will always pray for your comfort.
Your sister in Christ Jesus-