Thank you Father for your work of grace in our lives, for walking with us, and helping us work through the events of each day. What we are faced with you already knew was coming and that you would be there to help us. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight”. Proverbs 3:5.
Well it has been a while since I have blogged. Part of that is on purpose as I wanted to get through some milestones first and also because I just couldn’t get myself to start. We went to Cannon Beach Conference center in June for 5 days for our first trip since Theresa’s passing. Last year we got there, dropped the kids off, and had to come right back and go to Capital Medical Center ER as Theresa was septic. She was admitted the whole week and we got home Saturday the same time the kids came home. This began Theresa’s slide to her passing in October. We needed to go. Two of the boys didn’t come, while our oldest and also our daughter came with their friends. It was a good time, but also very difficult time for me. With the COVID restrictions, there was also minimal interaction with others, making even more difficult. I spent a lot of time walking around Cannon Beach and took a few hikes with friends.
Then July 9th was to be our 26th anniversary. I went kayaking with my brother in law, did some errands, and took flowers to Theresa’s grave site and talked with her for a little while. Then the kids and I went to the Columbia Gorge for the weekend, another trip we made yearly as a family and which we also did with Theresa last year. Again this was a good trip, though altered by COVID restrictions, yet difficult to make. I knew these trips would be difficult and wanted to get through them before I blogged.
I have found I still have to distract myself a bit. I have been Kayaking weekly, taking some hikes, walking Boo most nights, doing what I can to stay active. I still don’t have the ability or motivation to take care of a to do list or go through memories. I have been reading a number of books. Grief is a process in charge of itself. I don’t have much control of it, other than to read or do something to manage it. The luster and joy in life is lacking and each day runs into the next. I enjoy work and seeing patients, happy with the distraction, being blessed to have the job I have. It is odd though, it feels like the air has been let out of my sail and I just can’t get it to fill back up. That is grief. It just takes time.
I have mentioned before that love is an action word. We stroke it every day when we share it with out spouse. The longer we are apart, the less stroking there is and the more you forget. You forget their smell, their touch, their presence, the little things you shared together. This part of love starts to fade. Love is so much more, the loyalty, commitment, the heart intwined. Yet it becomes more distant, a memory, something that was but is not shared anymore. That is the loss that is very hard to work through. I know where Theresa is and that I will see her again in eternity. That isn’t in question. It is realizing that the conversation has stopped and you wish it didn’t. It’s learning to adjust when you really don’t want to as life fit so well before.
The kids are adjusting as well. They struggle with vacations and holidays too, but are moving forward with their lives. They are all working this summer. Our oldest is staying in Ellingsburg, while the rest are still home. I think everyone will be in school in the Fall, though not sure all will be full-time.
This journey is a spiritual one. Some days are more difficult than others. But there are days of peace from above, of contentment intermixed with the other days. God is good. He is faithful and true. He does walk with us and talk with us and helps us along our journey. We are learning to trust and obey, persevere, endure and overcome. Lessons are being learned, faith is being deepened, life is being lived differently. There are still a few “firsts” yet to experience this year, especially in October. I’ll keep blogging, though probably of similar frequency.
Thank you for your continued prayers and interest. Many of you have been here, walked this trail of grief before me, and continue to walk it. Thank you for your comments. May you all walk in a closer walk with our Savior.