Doctor Paul, MD

A small-town doctor working to preserve the art of old-fashioned primary care.

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More Firsts; more to come

July 14, 2020 by Paul Williams 7 Comments

Thank you Father for your work of grace in our lives, for walking with us, and helping us work through the events of each day. What we are faced with you already knew was coming and that you would be there to help us. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight”. Proverbs 3:5.

Well it has been a while since I have blogged. Part of that is on purpose as I wanted to get through some milestones first and also because I just couldn’t get myself to start. We went to Cannon Beach Conference center in June for 5 days for our first trip since Theresa’s passing. Last year we got there, dropped the kids off, and had to come right back and go to Capital Medical Center ER as Theresa was septic. She was admitted the whole week and we got home Saturday the same time the kids came home. This began Theresa’s slide to her passing in October. We needed to go. Two of the boys didn’t come, while our oldest and also our daughter came with their friends. It was a good time, but also very difficult time for me. With the COVID restrictions, there was also minimal interaction with others, making even more difficult. I spent a lot of time walking around Cannon Beach and took a few hikes with friends.

Then July 9th was to be our 26th anniversary. I went kayaking with my brother in law, did some errands, and took flowers to Theresa’s grave site and talked with her for a little while. Then the kids and I went to the Columbia Gorge for the weekend, another trip we made yearly as a family and which we also did with Theresa last year. Again this was a good trip, though altered by COVID restrictions, yet difficult to make. I knew these trips would be difficult and wanted to get through them before I blogged.

I have found I still have to distract myself a bit. I have been Kayaking weekly, taking some hikes, walking Boo most nights, doing what I can to stay active. I still don’t have the ability or motivation to take care of a to do list or go through memories. I have been reading a number of books. Grief is a process in charge of itself. I don’t have much control of it, other than to read or do something to manage it. The luster and joy in life is lacking and each day runs into the next. I enjoy work and seeing patients, happy with the distraction, being blessed to have the job I have. It is odd though, it feels like the air has been let out of my sail and I just can’t get it to fill back up. That is grief. It just takes time.

I have mentioned before that love is an action word. We stroke it every day when we share it with out spouse. The longer we are apart, the less stroking there is and the more you forget. You forget their smell, their touch, their presence, the little things you shared together. This part of love starts to fade. Love is so much more, the loyalty, commitment, the heart intwined. Yet it becomes more distant, a memory, something that was but is not shared anymore. That is the loss that is very hard to work through. I know where Theresa is and that I will see her again in eternity. That isn’t in question. It is realizing that the conversation has stopped and you wish it didn’t. It’s learning to adjust when you really don’t want to as life fit so well before.

The kids are adjusting as well. They struggle with vacations and holidays too, but are moving forward with their lives. They are all working this summer. Our oldest is staying in Ellingsburg, while the rest are still home. I think everyone will be in school in the Fall, though not sure all will be full-time.

This journey is a spiritual one. Some days are more difficult than others. But there are days of peace from above, of contentment intermixed with the other days. God is good. He is faithful and true. He does walk with us and talk with us and helps us along our journey. We are learning to trust and obey, persevere, endure and overcome. Lessons are being learned, faith is being deepened, life is being lived differently. There are still a few “firsts” yet to experience this year, especially in October. I’ll keep blogging, though probably of similar frequency.

Thank you for your continued prayers and interest. Many of you have been here, walked this trail of grief before me, and continue to walk it. Thank you for your comments. May you all walk in a closer walk with our Savior.

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Filed Under: Dealing with Loss

Comments

  1. Candace Horch says

    July 14, 2020 at 10:03 pm

    Thank you for sharing your grief. There is no doubt you are helping so many others who are grieving their losses as well. You are so transparent and that is incredibly helpful to others. Because God is central to your life, you bring that perspective to your grief and you may never know the lives that are impacted by your story. Continued prayers for you and the children…

    Reply
  2. Sheilah Galpin says

    July 14, 2020 at 10:20 pm

    I love reading your blogs. I find a lot of comfort in them. Although my situation is different, I still have my spouse. The times and troubles and distance seem to tear us apart sometimes and when I read your blog I get encouraged and hopeful and it gives me the courage and Faith to continue on and continue to fight the good fight and strive for a better marriage. 40 + years with the same man is a blessing. I am so happy to hear that you are out with the kids and you are doing your family things. I love that you are out kayaking and hiking I’m jealous that you can do that and at this point in time I’m not able one day though. I pray that God continues to lift you up and heal you give up and we place the grief with joy with fulfillment. Thank you Doctor Paul always being a blessing in my life.

    Reply
  3. Mitch Dietz says

    July 16, 2020 at 9:09 am

    Paul my heart goes out to you brother. I’m amazed at your ability to persevere through this first year and keep your eyes focused on Jesus. I also know this is harder for you than any of us can know. Love and prayers for you and your family.

    Reply
  4. Debbie OConnor says

    July 21, 2020 at 6:55 pm

    I was thinking of you all today, as I am walking beside a friend down here who just suddenly lost her spouse. My prayers are still with you. Thanks for sharing your journey. You and Theresa have been an inspiration to many. I have shared your words with others.

    Reply
  5. Alene Palmer says

    July 31, 2020 at 2:50 pm

    Thank you ,Doctor Paul. God is good and walks with us. Thanks for reminding us through your posts. I would like to tell you it gets easier and to some extent it does as memories fade. The firsts are the hardest. So many have benefited from your posts. We pray for you and your family.

    Reply
  6. Kathy Spencer says

    August 3, 2020 at 11:41 pm

    My heart hurts for you Paul and your kids, and my prayers continue as you continue to walk through your first year without Theresa by your side. Long ago Proverbs 3:5-6 became my life verses as I learned that life’s twists & turns were very unpredictable and that I had to put my complete trust in My Lord to lead me through life. You Will get through this incredible loss but will always have the special memories of the gift that God gave you in Theresa. Looking forward to seeing you all at church again.

    Reply
  7. Kathy Spencer says

    September 15, 2020 at 10:25 am

    Continued prayers are with you Paul as you maneuver this first year with the absence of Theresa by your side. What a great assurance we have to entrust our loved ones to His eternal care and to rest in the assurance of His plans for our lives as we abide in Him. Blessings to you ; your kids Paul

    Reply

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About Doctor Paul

Dr. Paul Williams, MD is a small-town family practice doctor working in Centralia, Washington. He works from the same office where his primary care practice was established by his father over 38 years ago. He believes strongly that the art of the old-fashioned primary care doctor is an important feature of our medical system that should be preserved and protected from excess interference from insurance companies and government regulation alike.

Due to changes in the health care industry and regulations affecting it, and in an effort to preserve the art of old-fashioned primary care, Dr. Paul has shifted his practice to a Direct Care model, meaning that patients pay an affordable monthly fee to purchase primary care health care services directly, rather than having their services billed through an insurance company.

This blog is intended to help Dr. Paul's patients (and anyone else!) understand the changes the medical industry is going through, and to provide information about the Direct Care model of primary care.

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