Well it has been longer than I anticipated since my last blog entry. I have found writing these blogs hard, and I put off writing them. I also had rotator cuff surgery, so for 6 weeks it was difficult to type. I am now out of the sling. Put both these facts together and here we are 10 weeks since my last blog.
In just under two weeks it will be a year since Theresa went to be with her Savior and Lord. I can say that it hasn’t gotten any easier as the year has progressed. I probably miss her more now than ever. There were so many dreams we dreamed together, talk about the kids careers, getting married, grandkids, and retirement. All unrealized dreams. And now with those events happening without the one I anticipated sharing them with, the pain and tears come often.
Friday our oldest son Ben got married to Jamie. I am so very happy for them and pray God’s blessing be upon them. After a short 2 week engagement they tied the knot at Stillwaters in the gazebo with a small crowd of family and friends. A tree and plaque given in Theresa’s memory by the Stillwaters office staff is planted near the gazebo. It was a simple ceremony and then reception at our house. After the day wound down and the house was quiet again, I had to go to the cemetery and let my emotions out, talk with Christ and Theresa. Theresa looked forward to being part of these milestones in her children’s lives. To be part of these without her is so very painful. And what makes it even more difficult, I can’t share it with her, we can’t share our joys, thoughts, decisions. They are just all bottled up in my mind. She made these things special.
When the kids need advice, direction, or assistance, we worked together to provide both the mother’s and father’s side. Now they only get my side and I feel so inadequate.
When I am distracted at work, or activities with the kids I usually do well, but weekends, holidays, and down times are as difficult as ever. Those were the times filled with Theresa. Now they are filled with thinking, contemplation, and remembering. Healing occurs but it only goes so far. I think the loss will always be just a thought away. It will be a defining part of my life until hope is realized in heaven.
There is a connection with those who have experienced the death of a spouse. There is an understanding. No matter if the journey without their spouse is a few months old or many years old, the comments I hear over and over is that it doesn’t get easier. The loss cuts deep and you never get over it, just learn to live with it.
I do have so much to be thankful for. Every morning my prayers are of gratitude and thanksgiving. I am thankful that there are still kids in the house, dogs to hug and kiss and be the comfort they are, for family, friends, and work. I am most thankful for the communion I have in Christ. I can cry, talk, listen, and just be with Him. He has been my constant companion and help. He restores, renews, and answers prayers. He is a man acquainted with sorrow, and I share one more similarity with Him. We go on walks often, with Boo, and we talk and he ministers to me in those times. He is the one constant in life, unshakable, true to His word. Yet while still in my weak human condition, I will miss what Theresa and I shared together in heart and soul.
This is not an easy road for any of us. We will all at some point experience loss. We will all have to surrender what we hold dear. We have to accept the journey we are given and learn how to live and honor our Lord and the memory of our loved one from that day forward. We have to be strong for them and do what needs to be done.
I constantly lean on Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight”.
I hope these ramblings help you. We all have to come to grips with anguish of heart. It is deep, real and is part of what being human is all about. It is the path we have to go through. Christ as your savior, constant companion, and the lover of your soul will walk with you through it all and help you thrive, endure and persevere. Keep your eyes focused on Him and the promised celebration and reunion yet to come.