Doctor Paul, MD

A small-town doctor working to preserve the art of old-fashioned primary care.

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It still is a struggle

May 3, 2020 by Paul Williams 7 Comments

Thank you Father for your faithfulness and being here.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Easter ended up being a difficult day, lasting through the beginning of the week. It is odd how grieving just hits. Saturday was uneventful and a good day, then Easter, which should be about Christ, came and the loss was deeply felt. Theresa made holidays special for the kids and I just can’t fill her shoes, nor do I want to. I suspect this is what made the day so tough. We are still going through the firsts of all holidays. Soon Mother’s day, then our anniversary will come and I’m sure those will be especially hard. Two of our boys find the same difficulty with holidays.

With the COVID-19 pandemic, all the kids minus our oldest are home. He is back at Central as he found it easier to study, for the 5 classes he is taking, at his apartment. The other two boys withdrew from Ecola and began classes at Centralia College. Matthew works weekends at Colonial Residence assisted-living facility. Our daughter is still plugging away with home school, which was slightly effected by the stay at home order. She is doing some classes using Zoom. Our office has been slower with actual visits and much busier on the phone.

With the nice weather, I’ve taken my dog on walks, most days and daily on the weekends. I have found exercise a good use of time. I find the weekends still rough, but once the stay at home order is lifted and the weather improves, I hope to get out more. The kids and I have a couple of things planned.

I started this blog post about 3 weeks ago. Last week for some reason the rest of what I wrote wouldn’t save, so I left it for this weekend. I am finding weekends easier but not. I have increased my exercising, we’ve played a few more board games, and I’ve been going to bed earlier than in the past. I also find I avoid going through pictures and thinking about the past, which does help with consistency of emotion and thoughts. Though memories just pop up. Today while watching the sermon on Youtube, something was said and my mind jumped to a memory of a trip that Theresa and I made, not sure where and I think the kids were with us. But we found an old 50’s drive in Diner, I think in Oregon, that Theresa really enjoyed, so we went back a different day, and we also drove up a hill and watched the sunset. Those were good times. I wish Theresa could have filled in all the details that I had forgotten, as her memory was impeccable. I did have a dream the other night that was so real. I dreamt I rolled over in bed and found Theresa lying next to me. I was tearful and so happy. The next scene we were standing in the bathroom talking and I was caressing her face while I explained my struggle, pain, but happiness she was back. As you can guess that had a profound impact and still makes me choke up. I used to watch her, observe her reactions, joy, excitement and what ever else she was doing. I gained much pleasure seeing her happy and content. She truly was my focus outside of my relationship with Christ. We were a cord of three, not easily broken. Her absence is palpable and hasn’t gotten any easier.

In Jerry Benjamin’s pamphlet “What is Maturity?” he states “God uses adversaries and adversities in one’s life to cultivate deeper degrees of dependence on the Lord, and, Thus, mature the believer. Trials, obstacles, and difficulties are the very “food of faith””. Earlier in talking about the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30 “The word “talent” simply means “a measure of” something.” He believes it represents “a measure of faith that God has given to each person to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.” And for the believer “God will give more talents, measures of faith, to know more of Christ.” So these trials and suffering we experience have the potential to increase our faith and draw us closer to Christ, into a deeper intimacy. “We are as close to Christ as we desire to be.” We need to desire to know more of Christ. Let your trials and struggles send you deeper into the arms of Christ.

Thank you for your continued prayers and walking with us.

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Filed Under: Dealing with Loss

Comments

  1. Candace Horch says

    May 3, 2020 at 6:39 pm

    I cannot fathom how an ordinary person who isn’t a believer, could deal with the loss of the love of their life. When God said “the two shall become one”, it was so very sacred. You are experiencing this very great loss with such grace, and even in your pain you are helping others go through their grief by recording your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for your transparency and openness into your lives. My prayers continue for you all as you experience all these ‘firsts’ this year.

    Reply
  2. Jennie Brandt says

    May 3, 2020 at 9:26 pm

    I wish you peace Dr. Paul she would have wanted you to know she is fine and worries about you. Life is strange now and I’m sure that doesn’t help. Please know you are always in our thoughts and prayers.

    Reply
  3. Sylvia and Bob Olson says

    May 4, 2020 at 5:28 am

    Think of you often,thank you for sharing your feelings and emotions. Will keep you and your family in our prayers

    Reply
  4. Kathy Spencer says

    May 5, 2020 at 12:01 am

    Paul,
    Thanks again for sharing your heart, struggles, and growth with us as you continue your life journey through all the firsts of this year. I am glad that you have so many fond memories, even though some are now painful due to your loss of Theresa. She was a great partner for you and the greater the love the more painful the loss.
    Time spent with God and selfcare, such as exercise are so important and helpful during this time and will bring healing to your soul. My prayers continue for you and the kids as you continue the journey. I found a book & video by Max Lucado entitled “You’ll Get Through This” very helpful and have them if you would like to borrow them.
    Blessings,
    Kathy

    Reply
  5. Mitch Dietz says

    May 7, 2020 at 1:41 pm

    Paul thank you for sharing your heartfelt message. I can only guess how difficult those special days are without Theresa. My heart goes out to you and your children. I’m praying for God’s special care for all of you on Mother’s Day. All my love and prayers!

    Reply
  6. Țoni Belveal says

    May 10, 2020 at 7:53 am

    Dear God, may you bring peace and comfort to this family today.

    Reply
  7. Alene Palmer says

    May 15, 2020 at 7:44 pm

    Dr Paul,

    The “firsts” were the worst and some things do not change but good memories do help. Thanks for sharing your journey. i’m a couple years a head of you on my journey without Ken. Your posts are very helpful to us who have lost our spouse. Drawing on God for our strength is necessary. You make that so clear in your posts.
    I’m thankful for the 60+ years God gave Ken and me to share and make memories.

    Reply

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About Doctor Paul

Dr. Paul Williams, MD is a small-town family practice doctor working in Centralia, Washington. He works from the same office where his primary care practice was established by his father over 38 years ago. He believes strongly that the art of the old-fashioned primary care doctor is an important feature of our medical system that should be preserved and protected from excess interference from insurance companies and government regulation alike.

Due to changes in the health care industry and regulations affecting it, and in an effort to preserve the art of old-fashioned primary care, Dr. Paul has shifted his practice to a Direct Care model, meaning that patients pay an affordable monthly fee to purchase primary care health care services directly, rather than having their services billed through an insurance company.

This blog is intended to help Dr. Paul's patients (and anyone else!) understand the changes the medical industry is going through, and to provide information about the Direct Care model of primary care.

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