Thank you Father for your faithfulness and being here.
Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers.
Easter ended up being a difficult day, lasting through the beginning of the week. It is odd how grieving just hits. Saturday was uneventful and a good day, then Easter, which should be about Christ, came and the loss was deeply felt. Theresa made holidays special for the kids and I just can’t fill her shoes, nor do I want to. I suspect this is what made the day so tough. We are still going through the firsts of all holidays. Soon Mother’s day, then our anniversary will come and I’m sure those will be especially hard. Two of our boys find the same difficulty with holidays.
With the COVID-19 pandemic, all the kids minus our oldest are home. He is back at Central as he found it easier to study, for the 5 classes he is taking, at his apartment. The other two boys withdrew from Ecola and began classes at Centralia College. Matthew works weekends at Colonial Residence assisted-living facility. Our daughter is still plugging away with home school, which was slightly effected by the stay at home order. She is doing some classes using Zoom. Our office has been slower with actual visits and much busier on the phone.
With the nice weather, I’ve taken my dog on walks, most days and daily on the weekends. I have found exercise a good use of time. I find the weekends still rough, but once the stay at home order is lifted and the weather improves, I hope to get out more. The kids and I have a couple of things planned.
I started this blog post about 3 weeks ago. Last week for some reason the rest of what I wrote wouldn’t save, so I left it for this weekend. I am finding weekends easier but not. I have increased my exercising, we’ve played a few more board games, and I’ve been going to bed earlier than in the past. I also find I avoid going through pictures and thinking about the past, which does help with consistency of emotion and thoughts. Though memories just pop up. Today while watching the sermon on Youtube, something was said and my mind jumped to a memory of a trip that Theresa and I made, not sure where and I think the kids were with us. But we found an old 50’s drive in Diner, I think in Oregon, that Theresa really enjoyed, so we went back a different day, and we also drove up a hill and watched the sunset. Those were good times. I wish Theresa could have filled in all the details that I had forgotten, as her memory was impeccable. I did have a dream the other night that was so real. I dreamt I rolled over in bed and found Theresa lying next to me. I was tearful and so happy. The next scene we were standing in the bathroom talking and I was caressing her face while I explained my struggle, pain, but happiness she was back. As you can guess that had a profound impact and still makes me choke up. I used to watch her, observe her reactions, joy, excitement and what ever else she was doing. I gained much pleasure seeing her happy and content. She truly was my focus outside of my relationship with Christ. We were a cord of three, not easily broken. Her absence is palpable and hasn’t gotten any easier.
In Jerry Benjamin’s pamphlet “What is Maturity?” he states “God uses adversaries and adversities in one’s life to cultivate deeper degrees of dependence on the Lord, and, Thus, mature the believer. Trials, obstacles, and difficulties are the very “food of faith””. Earlier in talking about the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30 “The word “talent” simply means “a measure of” something.” He believes it represents “a measure of faith that God has given to each person to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.” And for the believer “God will give more talents, measures of faith, to know more of Christ.” So these trials and suffering we experience have the potential to increase our faith and draw us closer to Christ, into a deeper intimacy. “We are as close to Christ as we desire to be.” We need to desire to know more of Christ. Let your trials and struggles send you deeper into the arms of Christ.
Thank you for your continued prayers and walking with us.