Thank you Father for life and that loss doesn’t have to be forever. Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers.
Christmas break is over, two of our boys left for Bible college today and our oldest to Central in the morning, bringing back the empty feeling and a quiet house. Also bringing me back to the same situation 3 months ago, with the younger two leaving a day before Theresa passed.
The Christmas season was difficult. Christmas day was especially hard with the kids receiving gifts that either Theresa and I picked out together for them, or Theresa bought for them. We had tears and hugs. My heart wasn’t into it this year, and I feel the same was the case for the kids. The memory of what was and how mom used to make it special were at times overwhelming. I think the holidays are intensifying the loneliness and loss.
Thank you for your prayers for our family, especially with Matthew. He is in a better place emotionally. He picked up some good tools with his counseling. He seems to be back on his feet again, which is so good to see. I pray this quarter goes well for all the boys. All in all I think they are all adjusting better.
My grieving is about the same and think it will be that way for some time. Theresa’s birthday is next weekend and then the boys in the following months. Once again it was Theresa who made these occasions special. You get so used to working as a team in parenting, in life, in all decisions, that I am finding – one- a lonely number. I am seeing that love is truly a verb, an action word. Love only exists in relationship, as does compromise and serving. I found it was in Theresa’s and my relationship that I was really alive, really learning how to love, serve, compromise, more toward selflessness. Now there is a huge hole where that relationship used to fill. I am starting to see myself as I was before meeting Theresa, and that is unsatisfying.
I am thankful that the kids are doing better, have things to keep them busy. I am thankful our daughter is here with me and for the two dogs. I know God is here, cares, sees the hurt and emptiness. In reading many of the stories in both the old and new testaments it is obvious God sees time differently than we do. It is easy to get impatient with the process. He wants us to wait upon Him, quiet our hearts and minds, and rest in Him, allowing Him to do His work however long He takes from our perspective. Even though I don’t like the story He wrote for Theresa or me, I have to submit to Him, knowing He is LORD and has a plan.
Mom gave the kids a calendar and for the month of January it has “Courage – Dare to face adversity head on even though fear pushes you back” and for July it has “Wisdom – It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see”. Oh LORD help us have courage and wisdom during these difficult days.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.