Thank you Father for this beautiful day, for a reprieve from the rain and gloom. Thank you for your reminders to wait upon you, to quiet my heart, to rest upon your promises. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.
What a beautiful afternoon, no rain, warm at 61 and not overly cloudy. I had to go walk my dog for about 45 minutes, very nice, just what was needed.
Theresa’s birthday January 11th landed on a Saturday this year, which was a blessing, though the weather that morning was wet. I went to her grave, put some artificial flowers next to her headstone. Friends had placed tulips and a heart shaped rock there as well. I know Theresa isn’t there, but going to the grave and talking with Theresa still has value to us. Going there especially on her birthday, Veteran’s day, and our anniversary are practical evidences that I/we will never forget. I will be going there to affirm my solidarity of heart with her until I can no longer do so. From a rational point of view it doesn’t make sense. Yet from a heart perspective, it would feel callous not to, and I think it is part of my healing process – to remember and show significance of that remembering. I can’t care for Theresa anymore, but I can care for the memory of her and her grave/gravestone. Before Theresa’s passing I really didn’t see the value in cemeteries, or war memorials. Yet when you experience loss, your perspective changes and you realize there is a purging, healing value to them. They went before us, and we are bound to follow. Their significance to us that still live here is still so valuable. They are part of who we are and the grave is a lasting memorial to that relationship, that commitment, that hope to reconnect one day.
Talking to Theresa and writing letters to her probably is a one sided conversation, yet the healing value of talking to her and writing out my thoughts and feelings is actually so very valuable, as is enjoying what she enjoyed because she enjoyed it. After 26 years together, the associations and memories encompass most of what I do and what I enjoy. I realize much of what I enjoy, I enjoy it because she enjoyed it. In time those memories will be a source of joy and strength and not of loss and longing.
We are all healing, though Matthew slower. He is a tender soul and Theresa’s birthday brought back a flood of memories and pain. He was very close to Theresa and drew a lot of strength from her. Continue to keep him in your prayers.
“Trust the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:5, ‘but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength” Isaiah 40:31, “be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him” Psalms 37:7. Now is a time of quieting of the heart and mind and meditating quietly upon the LORD. it is not a time to do, but a time to be, be committed and submitted to Him, His leading, His direction. This is a time to pursue Him alone. The time could be filled with busyness, distraction and escapism but true healing comes when all those distractions are quieted and we wait upon the LORD.
Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.
Thank you again Paul for sharing your heart and experiences with us, your family in Christ, as you continue your Journey in this life God has granted. It helps us know how to be praying for you and your family. Matthew has always held a special place in my heart since having him as a Sunday School student and he has shared some with me through this time so I will be continuing to pray for him and his tender heart as well.
The verses you shared have long been favorites of mine and have held me in good stead through difficulties in my journey.
May you daily sense God’s presence with you as you experience His sufficient grace for you Paul.
Kathy
Like you, I did not understand the healing power of visiting a grave until recently. I believe you are right when you say that slowing down, seeking the Lord, and processing your grief will bring true healing. I will continue to pray for you all.
I have also found it healing to visit my parents’ gravesites on Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day, their close birthdays in July, and Christmas when I can. Talking to them and to God who put me in their lives has been theraputic in my loss. I so understand that need. Continued prayers for you all and especially Matthew right now as it is still so raw for your family.